Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Vice: the Meanest Dos and Don'ts in the World

I have very mixed feelings about "Dos and Dont's" features. If you haven't figured out by now, I'm sort of a style snob (though by no means a label whore--don't get it twisted) and I only read them so I can feel superior when I come across a "don't" that illustrates to me how behind the trends the story's reporter is. Like, oh, you don't know socks with sandals is a hot trend? Man--how hopelessly suburban you are and I how stylish am I!!

That, however, is not the problem with Vice magazine's dos and don'ts. They actually have a pretty interesting assortment of images, which is cool. they don't just focus on one segment of the population--they feature young people, old people, all ethnicities, men, women, everybody. The issue with them is that they are completely fucking mean! I was going to go through their latest assortment of dos and don'ts and pick out the meanest, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's like whoever comes up with their captions must have been beat over the head as a toddler with their favorite Tonka truck on a daily basis and then forced to eat it piece by piece as dessert for a year. We're talking ugly.

So anyway, here are some of Vice's Dos and Don'ts that I had the stomach to put on my blog. Sorry, but I was not beat or abused past the breaking point as a child. Please note: I DID NOT WRITE THE CAPTIONS. VICE DID!!

^^"Do: We realize we can get a little dogmatic with the high-heels shit, so if your feet hurt just bust out a new version of a classic shoe and stand there all coquettish like you don’t understand why someone would want to put you in the DOs."

^^"Do: Funny girls in colored tights and stilettos is so good it’s actually bad. See, the only guys brave enough to go up to her are going to be drunk and coked out of their minds, and that means no boners for miles. This bitch is so hot I feel sorry for her."

^^"Don't: The true New York look is totally indistinguishable from the true well-behaved-toddler look. If a day-care worker saw them standing there at the museum he’d make them hold on to the rope and go, 'Come on, you two. Get with the group.'"

^^"Do: That skater uniform of oversize Yankees cap and logo tee is so epicly later’d it’s for the British guy at the trade show. The new shit is this 'Imelda Marcos Rockefeller' look that makes everyone feel like they’re in a slightly faggy and sexist dictatorship."

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